The Stress Queen

Ugh, Dani is THE worst. I’m talking the worst of the worst. Mr Calvin asked this morning if anyone was looking forward to the sports carnival, and Dani had the gall to be excited about it, and I’m all like ugh, give it a rest, Dani. She goes around everywhere with this beaming smile like it’s been neon-painted on, and she never lets up. It’s all enthusiasm, ALL the time, even about science homework. She gets detention for not doing the homework, and she’s STILL smiling. I bet even the teachers find it creepy.

What’s more is that she just started a ‘Stress-Free Club’, which you can attend at lunch if you’re missing a brain and you think it’s a good idea. Apparently she’s looking to start her own business doing corporate stress management training when she leaves school. Ha, yeah, okay. I get that people are stressed out nowadays, especially when Mrs Jameson sets up three pages of further maths homework on the same day that Mr Roberts gives us a 800-word essay to write on the cardiovascular system, and like, do they even TALK to each other in the staff room? I bet they just sink into their comfy chairs and fill out their lottery tickets while we’re out here sheltering behind the bike sheds from the wind or baking in the unseasonable warmth. I don’t want to know.

So yeah, we’re all stressed, and I hear it gets worse when you leave school, but I have my doubts because I know for a fact that there’s no further maths homework in the workplace (probably). But Dani, giving people advice on how not to be stressed? What’s she gonna say: “Don’t frown, just smile! Be enthusiastic! Think good thoughts!” That’ll be her idea of a comprehensive stress management course. Melbourne workplaces might even lap it up; stranger things have happened.

I’m sorry, Dani, but leave that stuff to the actual professionals. You have a glorious career as one of those children’s TV presenters who look like they’re constantly being electrocuted, and probably wish they were.