When it comes time for someone to write my official biography, I want it to be known that I was incredibly gifted in home renovation tasks. Biographies always make someone seem like an absolute saint, or try to justify all the bad things they did by saying that they had a rough childhood or that it’s all down to their natural disposition for bad behaviour – the odds were stacked against them from the start and all that.
I don’t want any sugarcoating. Tell it like it is, but totally lie about the home renovation part, because I do kind of want people to think that I was really good at that. Like, make me some sort of magical kitchen, laundry and bathroom design specialist. Melbourne never saw the likes of me in that department! That’s how I want to be known, because I basically don’t have anything else.
No skills of note, no relationships of note, no looks or note. But I do watch a lot of shows about home renovations, and surely that’s what matters in the end. It might be a bit of a shame that I just watch the shows night after night instead of doing anything a little more radical, like getting off my butt and establishing a Melbourne kitchen renovation company of my own. Fortunately for me, though, all biographies lie a little. I’ll be known as the RenoGuru, and no one will be alive to fact-check anyway, so nuts to all the naysayers!
It’s basically true, anyway. I mean, I watch these shows every single night, to the point where I feel like I’ve developed some kind of ‘renovation vision’ where I can walk into a bathroom and just instantly see what it’ll look like in the ‘after’ picture. There’s a big white flash, a whooshing sound, and instantly the sink has been replaced by a Roman bowl, the counter tops are polished mahogany, and the fridge was obviously always meant to go over by the window all along.